Last night, as usual, I had that moment of evaluating life (before I went to bed). This usually happens for quite a long time, and last night was no exception.
When I check out other people's blogs, I usually skip this kind of post since I don't find it that interesting to read other people's thoughts about some particular things, unless if it's formed in a delightful way or if it's written by people I am interested in. Let me remind you, this is going to be a long post.
I admit, I always try my best not to make any posts boring, but not this time.
These were the things I thought about last night (perhaps also other nights I spent wondering)
1. GOD
I found myself questioning a lot about God. I must admit, and I am not proud of this; quite awhile ago, I had this breakdown caused by this sudden doubts over the existence of God. It made me cry, I couldn't talk to anyone about it because first; I was scared, 'what if I don't like what I hear?'. Second, who was I supposed to talk to? My parents? I was afraid they would just look at me in disbelieve. My sisters? Sure I go to them to talk about friends issues, bad grades, etc. but this was different, I just couldn't imagine going near them and starts asking about God's existence. I thought about talking to Ustad Edi, but I didn't have the courage to. Third, a part of me felt ashamed. My family is quite a religious family, once I asked about why we had to wear hijab so early (it's not that I don't like wearing it, was just curious) and my parents both looked at me and said "Why are you questioning about this? Your sisters never did" I know that they only meant well, not that they're being closed minded or anything, they just thought there's no reason to talk about it anymore, especially the fact that wearing hijab has done nothing but joy to my life. So, back to the topic, I was ashamed to question about it, I have not been that good of a Muslim and that might just be why I even had those questions in my mind. I went online, I searched a little, found somethings that pleased me and my mind, but it still wasn't enough. So that day, after a long confusion, I prayed. I prayed to the God I know, the only God, Allah SWT. I felt that peace in me, and that made it clear to me of why I never questioned any of it before. I felt close to something that even though I can not see, I can feel, and that is enough for me to love The Almighty, the One who has taken care of me, the One so loving and merciful. But even so, I still sometimes question a little about it, and maybe it's okay, you know, we were created by God with brains to think with and being a bit nosy sometimes might even bring us closer to our creator:)
2. FUTURE
This is simple, wondering about what I will be doing in a few years, who I'm going to meet, who I'm going to marry, how many kids will I have, well maybe I shouldn't be thinking that far just yet, but planning things isn't a bad thing right? I want to be a doctor, a surgeon to be exact. It may seem early to be sure about it but, I know what I want, maybe for now, maybe for forever. I might change heart later but I don't know, this is not like those times I wanted to become a chef or an actress (yes, I once wanted to become one), being a doctor, not only is it a good thing, it is what daddy wants me to be, and it is what I also want. But, then again I found myself interested in being a news anchor. News Anchor always have that aura of intelligence and not to forget, you get to appear on TV! :p
3. DESTINY
I got a little problem last night with this guy, lets not talk about this though. It made me think about troubles and struggles in life. About destiny. Some people are very lucky and some are not, but it depends on that person too. I do believe that even poor people, must have something that they can brag to all the rich people. If we think about it, for people who doesn't have that much money, a simple thing might just make their day, for example, eating somewhere like Pizza Hut. It's a total treat! Yet for rich people, those things does not please them that much anymore, yes it might make them full and happy for a moment but then again, it's nothing out of the ordinary. But also for poor people, they don't get that many chance to treat themselves while the rich gets to enjoy it anytime that it's not that special anymore. Yes, I wan't to be rich and I will be rich in the future (aamiin). I do hope that when I make it, I won't forget the people who started out not as lucky as me, and I can help them then.
Okay so those were the things I wanted to share, thank you for whoever read this wherever you are. I hope I may have inspired you in any ways or maybe open up your mind.
Good bye:)
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