Alias Grace

 

    Just finished watching this gem on Netflix, and it made me think. The world is safest now than ever and this period piece has made it much clearer than I ever cared to realise. Grace, Mary, and even a character as unlikeable as Nancy were all victims of the times they lived in. Though the storyline itself is fiction, the series depicts the reality of how women were treated back then. It disturbed me how at the end of the series, I implicitly got to see and understood how even the seemingly kindhearted men (dr Simon Jordan and James Walsh) took pleasure in the stories of Grace's torture and misfortune, they all liked the idea of coming in as her saviour, more so than actually saving her. Even at the end, when things seemed to have settled, Grace's role was in serving and pleasing the man she ended up with. The most devastating part is, considering how terrible her life had been up to that point, the ending was good enough to be considered her "happy ending."

    Moving on to another gem I watched months ago, the kind of story I wish is fiction but is not. The story portrayed in the miniseries "Unbelievable" can't be excused with "those were dark times" as it happened during the so-called safest time to be alive. Women are still facing the same fear every day, we still face the same enemies as we did back then, and a lot of us are still considered second class citizens.

    It's a coincidence that with these thoughts pondering in my mind, came to light two stories of women in Indonesia being unjustly treated by the men in their lives, one caused a woman to be put in a wheelchair and the other resulted in death. These aren't even the tip of the icebergs, thousands of other stories don't make it to the light of day. And again, let me stress, this is considered the safest time for women to live in the history of the world. We clearly still have a long way to go.   

    I feel the need to clarify that a part of me feels like I have no right to complain as most of my life I have been blessed with safety and a good surrounding (the worst I face these days are catcalls in the streets, and I pray to God it never exceeds that). However, I do have the right to speak in solidarity with women out there who are less fortunate than I am, and I take that chance. We still have a long way to go, that is true, but we must always remember that we have also come this far. We can go further. We will go further.

Lessons In My 20s (...so far)

I'm 23 in less than 2 months, only 1/3 of my 20s. I might change my mind once I turn 33, but oh well, here's what I've learned so far.

1. It's all about balance 

Homeostasis is one of the earliest lessons we got in our first year of medschool. Too much of anything is dangerous, yet the term less is more doesn't apply when it comes to the amount of iron in our body, the insulin produced by the beta cells, the ATP generated by the mitochondria, you name it. Same goes our life. Here's an example, healthy eating is good, but once you become too much of a healthy eater that you refuse to eat anything other than what goes in your dietary codes, or you begin to ridicule your friends for eating junk, or not wanting to eat out with loved ones at a restaurant that serves meat (this actually happens), you lose your ability to adapt with your surroundings, and for the opposite case I don't even need to explain what a habit of unhealthy eating could do to a person. Think about it, loving someone too much or too less, wanting something so bad or not wanting anything at all, caring for something too deeply vs being careless, trusting too much vs having trust issues, toxic productivity vs staying in a rut, the list goes on. Most things are a spectrum and therefore, we can strive for balance. 

2. A lot of us don't know who we are 

I'm well aware that we are in control of who we are and cultivating ourselves is a lifelong journey, but the case is we don't spend enough time talking to ourselves to understand our own emotions, preferences, and what truly matters. Here are simple questions for you to ponder, when does your energy peak the most throughout the day? What are your priorities? Are you happy with where you are now? If you find it difficult to answer these questions, perhaps you haven't been paying enough attention to your truest self. Sometimes, you can think of yourself a certain way, but once you sit down and really think about your past experiences and where you currently stand, you realise you're not the way you thought you were. For me this realisation came when I had a career consulting session with a psychologist. She asked me "what is the one thing you're not willing to sacrifice?" and after a lot of thinking, my answer was so far fetched from what I initially thought would be my definite answer. Another instance was when I came to see, as someone who spent a large portion of her coming of age partaking in story telling competitions, I thought I was a natural born performer, but now I know I don't really care for the attention, I actually enjoy being an audience. So whoever is reading this, please spend more time listening to yourself, you deserve it. 

                                  

3. Trial and error, no shortcut

This lesson came to light during the past 4 years of me dwelling in the world of so called "self improvement". I've tried a lot of methods in enforcing better habits, there is an abundant source of learning, just type in how to have better habits in youtube and voila, you wouldn't have the time to watch all of the video that pops up. You can take inspiration from anywhere, but most likely you're not gonna succeed in the first try. You'll try and try and try, go back to attempt 1, then mix method 2 and 3, oops you pause cause life happens and you sorta forgot all about bettering yourself, then you remember and go back to step 1. After a while you look back and realise that you've made your own set of rules from lessons you encountered from multiple sources mixed with your own personal experience. Remember that the errors aren't a waste of time, it's a step closer to finding what works for you. Self regulation is tailor made after all. 

Let's see what I think of this post by the end of my 20s. Bye folks. 

Apps for Productivity

I've used a number of productivity apps in hopes they would boost my energy level and keep me disciplined throughout the day. I don't know about you, but consistency has always been such a hard thing for me. For someone who takes time to adapt, it's ironic how easily bored and in need of new settings I am just to have that spike of energy, the one you feel when you buy a new pair of running shoes, and so you run every morning for maybe the next 2 weeks until that motivation wears out, and then you just stop running altogether. These apps have that effect on me, almost as if apps for productivity are equivalent to toys for when we were little, essentially serving the same purpose; to make us feel good about ourselves before you get bored and lost interest then wait till the next interesting toy. Except maybe productivity could help us more in the long run compared to barbie dolls. You get what I'm saying. 

Anyways, the purpose of this post, like all the other posts on this blog, is nothing but a rent free ranting space for me, and perhaps a source of information for you folks, especially regarding productivity apps I've had my fair share of trials, so why not talk about it, right? The first one is Habit.

I used to track my habits in my daily journal, very conventional. I actually enjoyed the creative outlet required to create my monthly habit tracking thread, but you don't always have your book right beside you like you do your smartphone. So last year I decided to start using this app instead, and it's one of the best productivity apps for me. It's super simple, you just gotta put all the things you wanna make a habit, set how many times you wanna do them in a week or month, and then you just check them each time you do them. Everyday it will show you the percentage, and each time you stop doing these habits, it will slowly reduce. You can trace back your graphs to see when you were at your peak and when you slack off. I personally found, not to my surprise, that during modules I find difficult, I tend to slack off. This is especially challenging for me cause during those times, self care and a good set of habits are very important, but instead I still find myself slacking off due to the pressure of school work. A whooping 5/5 cause I can't think of a way to make this app better, but for sure some of you might disagree.

On to the next one, Wunderlist. 

This was recommended to me by my dear friend Abiyyu (click to be directed to his excellent Medium), I was fairly new to digital planning so I never heard this one prior to my conversation with him and turned out I liked it. I used it for some time but it's kinda weird that I'm even talking about it cause sadly the app died some time ago, but it's now available as Microsoft To Do. Ever since it changed to To Do I no longer use it cause I guess I just lost interest, and now I use another one, which is

Notion

Perhaps most of you have heard about this one. Notion is very customisable so for someone who likes to do some bullet-semi-art journalling like myself, I found setting up my Notion quite fun (despite initially complaining here and there), the picture above is one of my template. I had to look up youtube videos first to find inspiration, but don't worry if you're not looking forward to setting up templates, you can always use one of their pre-made (they have plenty!). Another plus is that they have the computer app and the phone app so everything's in sync. It also works well as a sort of digital journal if you want them to be, take mine for example: 

I keep some of my favourite quotes, youtube videos, book recommendations and reviews in each sorted page. The picture above shows my collection of feel-good quotes that I can always add from time-to-time for that suburban mom energy. Now here comes the bad news, there is a limit to the elements we use, if I remember correctly the limit is 1000 elements. An element is one checklist, or in the picture above one quotation, and many other forms you'll understand once you use the app. When we reach that limit we gotta start paying for an upgrade. It's not much a problem for me cause I don't use Notion regularly. Also, instead of keeping the to do lists I've done in the archive, I just delete them to save the element count. Again I recognise that this app is not for everybody since it's safe to assume that not a lot of people enjoy having to customise, the tackles could actually hinder productivity rather than boost it up, even for me. In terms of keeping me productive I'll give this one a 3/5 cause to be fair a huge factor of why I use Notion is the aesthetic and not much about the productivity itself. 

Another app I can still categorise under the productivity tag is Reflect, an app for daily guided reflective journaling.

I am going to start by saying that this is not the app for me, but hear me out cause this might just be for you. I personally do not enjoy doing digital journaling, to clarify I'm not contradicting myself, the journaling I do on Notion I consider somewhat like a blogpost, whereas the journaling I'm talking about here is reflecting, which for me is an intimate moment that requires minimum distraction, therefore why I'm still doing it the conventional way with a book and a pen. I initially installed this app cause I found myself skipping my daily reflecting session (or in a more honest term; writing diary, if you like to call it, but it's actually not the same.) and so I thought perhaps this too required a shift to technology that are more accessible and easy to use. But one of the sole purposes of my reflecting is to get away from distractions and have time for myself and my thoughts alone, using an app just makes it more difficult and I also really like the sensation of having a pen and a book in hand. But I still think this app is worth mentioning cause it really does have some good guidance with a bunch of questions worth pondering. I've talked about my habit of reflecting with few of my close friends and some say they just aren't used to it and can't think of anything to write, so I figure this app could be so useful for those of you needing guidance to get yourself started in the habit of talking to yourself (it's good for the soul, trust me). You can choose from a number of topics such as appreciating yourself, being kind, and a lot of other topics (lots of which are free, but most aren't). It also helps that the app is pleasing to the eyes. Another similar app I tried was Müse and I actually used it more than Reflect, no particular reason, just cause I started trying it first. If you prefer simplicity and a chance to read other people's writing Müse should be the one for you. From the lack of use I personally can't tell which I like better. Personally would still recommend a piece of paper for reflecting. 

The newest app I'm currently using is Owaves. I stumbled upon this one while watching a youtube video but sadly cant remember the video so credit's not due where it's supposed to. Anyways, it's a visual daily planner where you can easily plan your ideal day, save your planned day, or even go with the template they've made for the "perfect" day. It's very simple and easy to use, they also automatically send notification 10 minutes before every event and requires no alarm setting, you can also add and see other people's planned days cause apps nowadays seem to require a social aspect to it, but I personally avoid using these apps to socialise cause productivity is not a competition and I think sharing our daily schedule would risk the chance of making it about showing off which I do not condone (toxic productivity is real mate). The minor problem I have about this app is the vibrant colours used for the activities. As far as I know we can only change the icons but not the colours, and I am a huge fan of soft colours, being a visual planner I really wish the colour schemes were customisable to user's suiting, but perhaps there is a psychological reason why they use vibrant colours? Aside from that, I'm fairly new to this one so can't say much about it yet, for the last three days it's been wonderful, just like a new pair of running shoes. Hope I'll stay consistent with this one, updates will be made. 

Thanks for stopping by!

Key Habit

Sejak 2017 gua super tertarik tentang habit and I've had my ups and downs on venturing the world of creating good habits (mostly downs, tbh)

Terima kasih kepada temen seangkatan yang ngasih pinjem buku ini dan in a span of 2 months (lama banget, i know) akhirnya beres baca. Now I'm not gonna review this book cause I had already done that here, tapi gua mau pitch in satu point penting yang gua pelajari dari buku ini yaitu key habit atau kebiasaan kunci. The key habit adalah the habit that has such an impact that everything else starts falling into the right order after you get a hand of this key habit. The key habit is how a lot of people who for years couldn't lose any weight, all of a sudden, found a way to get on their feet and work out daily aside from changing their diet for the better.

You know the interesting thing is? Setelah mencoba mencari key habit untuk diri gua pribadi, I find that shalat 5 waktu works its wonders. Think about it, ada suatu obligasi yang sedemikian rupa waktu nya udah diatur, caranya juga, tujuannya udah jelas, and you just have to do it daily. If you stick to it, and really do it properly (tepat waktu, berusaha khusyuk), everything falls into place. I tried to make drinking lots of water a habit through so many ways dan belum ada yang berhasil, but I've found that kalau nyoba minum setiap selesai solat 5 waktu, more often than not I would follow through.

Tbh ini masih kurang hari untuk bisa bener-bener bilang bahwa everything is working out well, but I'm optimistic and thought this was worth the share. I'll update soon.

First Painting Experience and Giotto Acquerelli Review, sort of.

Sebenernya my first ever painting experience was back in SMA, waktu itu ada tugas ngelukis dan gua memutuskan utk melukis rusa Kebun Raya Bogor 🙂 terus ternyata seru! That was it though, gak kepikiran untuk nyoba lagi.

Recently though, karena lagi suka nontonin video bullet journal orang, tbtb encounter video melukis dan jadi pengen nyoba. Shout out untuk siapapun Jo Tisdale ini for her motivational words

Long story short, beberapa hari lalu pas lagi di suatu mall yang selalu rame, sebut saja Kokas, gua pun memutuskan untuk membeli watercolor ini

Harga nya relatif murah, kalo gak salah Rp 68.000,-. Waktu itu cukup bingung mau beli Giotto Acquerelli ini atau Faber Castell watercolour, untuk Faber Castell sendiri kelebihannya yang langsung keliatan waktu itu adalah packaging nya yang kecil, jadi dia lebih handy untuk dibawa kemana-mana, sementara si Giotto ini (bisa diliat perbandingannya dengan ukuran tangan gua di foto) walaupun slim, tapi ukurannya cukup lebar so it makes it less handy. Nah tapi si Faber Castell itu cuma tersedia yang 12 color block, sementara sebagai pemula (yg bener2 pemula) gua merasa akan susah kalo harus blend in warna ini-itu, jadi gua memilih untuk membeli Giotto yang warna nya sudah cukup variatif to avoid the need of color blending 🆗

Ini foto Giotto nya setelah dibuka, right away langsung sadar kalo bagian tutup nya bisa dipake buat palette so it's super useful! Seneng jg sama variasi warna nya yang menurut gua cukup lengkap, ini krusial soalnya midway through painting, gua baru terpikirkan "ini cara blend warna gimana ya.." karena yang gua tau kalo paint lain itu kita ambil big chunk of paint, taro di palette, terus di mix, tapi color block di sini kerasa "padet" banget dan gua nya sendiri yang malah jadi gak tega buat nge-congkel paint nya, jadi so far I haven't yet figure that one out. 

Di dalem Giotto ini ada satu buah brush dengan tutup nya (but I lost tutup nya like 3 seconds after opening the package lol). Sebenernya gua masih belum tau quality brush itu yang kaya gimana, tapi berdasarkan art tool reviews yang pernah gua tonton di youtube, kalo ujung brush nya jadi "kepecah-pecah" atau bahkan copot, itu artinya kualitas nya jelek. Good news! Brush ini dari awal sampe akhir menurut gua cukup kuat, dia ga misah-misah jadi "fragmen-fragmen" yang bercabang-cabang sendiri gitu, selama make gak merasa ada keluhan so I think it's all good. 

Nah sekarang masuk ke bagian melukisnya, for my first ever lesson, I clicked on this youtube video and followed her tutorial: makoccino 

Di lesson pertama ini gua belajar beberapa hal berikut

• the way you stroke the brush matters, a lot! Jadi gua baru mempelajari kalo arah kita nge stroke, kekuatannya, make bagian ujung nya banget atau bagian samping daripada brush, everything makes an impact. I know this is basic knowledge but let me remind u once again that this is roughly my second time holding a brush so I am not experienced whatsoever
• don't add too much water. I did this a lot dan karena gua menggunakan kertas A4 (because I don't have sketch books, yet) kertas nya jadi gampang berkeriput😟😞
• how do u blend the colors? wkwk as I mentioned before. So lesson learned adalah kita harus belajar dulu tentang tools yang mau kita pake cause apparently tiap merk beda cara penggunaannya juga
• my pen was not waterproof. Jadi buat gambar details di painting nya, gua pake finecolour sketch fineliner warna hitam (karena ga ada foto nya, di bawah ini foto dari google). Harga nya murah guys, kurang dari Rp 10.000,- each, dan lebih murah kalo beli langsung banyak kaya gambar di bawah. Namun harus find out the hard way today kalau pulpen ini gak waterproof, alhasil dia jadi blur sama background and kinda ruined my painting, lesson learned. Tapi kalau di atas lukisan yang udah bener-bener kering, dia gak lumer-lumer banget kok and looks just fine. 
  

So below is the final look of my painting: 

Sorry for the bad lighting cause I thought kalo di foto di lighting yang bagus bakal menunjukkan berbagai kekacauan dan flaws dari first attempt ini hahaha. The second frame is a total fail karena kalo kalian liat di video nya, frame kedua itu harusnya jadi gambar nebula, tapi karena gua gak punya white ink dan bahkan tip-x pun ga ada, gak bisa gambar bintang-bintang sehingga cuma bisa nambahin dot-dot putih pake cat warna putih, at least I tried. You can also see that my gradasi is very rough so I really need to work on that, and also kapal di frame ketiga terlihat sangat berantakan, as I mentioned pulpen nya gak waterproof dan I stupidly used it pas paint nya belum dry-off completely. 

Salah satu arahan dari narrator video nya itu untuk mainin tebel engga nya warna, tapi entah kenapa hasil punya dia keliatan natural bgt sementara yang gua keliatan super rough terutama di frame pertama di mana ada ungu yang super tipis dan all of a sudden ada ungu yang super tebel, I guess it'll get better if I practice more. Also, kertas A4 is totally not the one for this so when I have the time (and money) I'll get myself a decent sketch book. Compliments go to my Giotto Acquerelli karena gua merasa colors nya super pretty dan gak terlalu cepet mengering on paper, so far I like my Giotto very much. Of course, compliments also go to makoccino for her awesome video that helped me with my first painting lesson. 

Till then, folks!