i think, our biggest problem is, we try too hard on impressing other people

I went through a phase of writing things on my blog with the expectation that people would like what they read. I checked on my views often, even dreamt that perhaps one day I could reach out to millions of people and make a living out of this. I figured something out; people don't care much about other people's views, thoughts, or stuff (unless you're someone, like maybe a celebrity or something). So I did what I thought was the only rational thing to do, I wrote what people would wanna read. I posted the link on any platform I could find, just to at least make my followers read them. It worked, some of my posts had plenty of views. and even so I was really anxious about what people thought of it, "bener gak sih penggunaan katanya" "does this post make me look like a total brag" "kalo pake bahasa inggris dikira nge sok ga ya" and so on.

long story short, just like that, my joy in writing vanished. So I stopped posting.

Entah apa yang terjadi selanjutnya, but I think I was probably having a rough day. Something I've learnt from experience, a rough day makes a good writer. The raw emotion must've been the oil to the engine, and it was a good start to an absolute great ride. I started writing again, this time, with no intention of getting people's attention. If you were to take the words of a clueless 19 year old like myself, then, take this one: writing to express yourself is much joyful than writing to impress other people (whom, by default, are set out to give 0 damns about what you actually think or feel. with few exceptions, of course). My greatest blogging days began the day I stopped caring whether anyone bother reading any of my posts, whether people liked my writings or not, whether people thought of it as quality or as worthless pieces of garbage. The sense of relief I get from expressing myself is be a big enough reason to continue. 

To end this post, here is a quote from Tuesdays with Morrie* showcasing why we shouldn't try too hard on impressing other people, although it doesn't have much to do with "expressing yourself" as this post mostly talk about, it clearly goes together with the idea that there are far greater things out there to focus on rather than trying to please the crowd. So folks, don't let the eyes looking down upon you be the stop sign. Continue to do what you love, rise above it.

*terima kasih untuk orang yang menghadiahi saya buku ini, such a good read.

what on earth is a "me time"?

tugu kujang jaman dahulu kala, dari google hehe.

For a long time I wanted to be an introvert, they impress me. Most introverts I know are very mysterious, but aside from being cool, they seem to be so in touch with themselves. Reality is I gain energy from being with people, hanging out with my friends, sleeping in at someone's place. I accepted the fact that I was no introvert. If anyone's thinking "Cit, it's more of a spectrum than a--" believe me, I know now.

Even so, my admiration for introverts didn't die along the realization that I wasn't a "member". It got to a point where I used to observe those so called introverts' tendencies, most of them socialize well, but it's evident that a lot of times they choose not to. The one thing I couldn't process was how they liked hanging out alone. They go to the movies, shop, or eat out all on their own while I didn't even enjoy going to the canteen by myself. I talked about this with fellow extroverts and they agreed.

29th of April 2017, I decided I wanted to hang out on my own. I thought maybe I would go to the mall, eat something, stroll around, for the sole purpose of knowing what it's like. So how did it go? At first it was awkward, I ate sushi all by myself while a couple seated next to me were holding hands. I felt as though people were staring at me with pity, but I knew in my righteous mind that nobody was thinking that, nobody even noticed. When I finished my plate I left and decided to look around. This was another stupid decision considering how I dislike shopping, I honestly do. All I did was stare at things uninterestedly and left as soon as "silahkan mba ada yang bisa saya bantu.." vibes came near. Probably around 15 minutes of useless strolling I decided to go home with my conclusion that going out alone is not how I roll.

As I was walking outside Botani Square to a good pick up spot, I looked ahead and saw the crowded street. My heart felt lifted a bit and I found myself putting back my phone postponing my initial attempt of ordering gojek. I walked along the street and thought to myself of how much I love this city, with all its memories. I grew up here, met so many good people here, I have sprinkled all the spots here with moments I could gladly pick up on now each and every time I go pass a place. I sat on a bench right in front of Tugu Kujang and I swear I wanted to cry. I wasn't sad, nor was I happy. I just felt emotional for some reason, maybe because I miss my old life. I have been too busy and distracted with worldly things that I had forgotten to keep in touch with myself, I had forgotten to write in my journal, I had forgotten to put down my phone and get spiritual. I have been very tired and I didn't even realize. So I just sat there looking at that magnificent part of this city, cars passing by, the reddish sky, people walking. It felt so good, somehow. I was glad I had no one else by my side.

That moment of just sitting there on the bench, thinking of almost nothing and everything all at once, reflecting my life and all the things I have been neglecting, I felt like I achieved so many things by doing nothing but sit there and stare. I finally understood what a "me time" is.

So, with that experience, I can honestly say I actually like going out alone, as long as it's set in the right place. Malls can be fun with friends, but they tend to wear me out. Sitting on a bench near trees and crowded streets? That's more like it. I will surely do it again when I have the chance.

Speaking of which, that thing about this extravert introvert being a spectrum? I guarantee you this: it is.

A compilation to cringe to

Sejak lama sudah muncul keinginan retrieve archive twitter buat dijadiin kenangan. Yak sesuai dugaan isinya super cringe worthy. Ini beberapa tweets lama yang gua screenshot, setelah sekitar 30 menit liat-liat gua udah gak tahan dan langsung exit (hahaha bahasa twitter bgt kan). P.S. semua yg di post di sini adalah celotehan jaman SMP (jaman SMA gua gak sealay itu kok thx)

ternyata dulu gua sexist 

ya bodo amat anjer.
p.s. dulu gua suka bgt sama urban legends dan cerita horror sampe-sampe gua suka diajak ke kelas-kelas orang buat cerita hantu (pas SMP gua suka lomba storytelling loh sangat menggelikan) gua jg gatau kenapa dulu se aneh itu

ini pas masih SMP kelas 7 ketika ranking 10 terasa menyedihkan, padahal perjalanan selanjutnya ranking gua mendekati akhir-akhir mulu hahahaha selamat ya cit

ya bodo amat sih cit

yang ini paling bikin bergidik, first krn gua pas kls 1 SMP emang hobi berdakwah (gua SD nya dari sekolah swasta Islam guys) tapi yang lebih ironis adalah....

mana katanya jangan berkata kasar!?

dan ini dia tweet paling pertama ku di tahun 2009 sebagai penutup post ini

Sekian kompilasi memalukan ini, wassalamu'alaikum wr. wb.

The Most Important Prayer

I figured it out! At least for myself. Iman itu fluktuatif banget, kan? Do'a yang paling krusial adalah untuk mengharap Allah SWT selalu ingetin kita pas lagi jauh. Ada kalanya iman lagi on its peak dan kita mikir "ya ampun gimana bisa sih gua dulu sejauh itu sama Allah?" terus dalam hitungan hari tiba-tiba kita kembali jahiliyah tanpa rasa bersalah. Segitu ombang-ambing nya, terlalu susah untuk berharap kemauan dekat dengan Dia selalu tinggi, lebih realistis untuk meminta didekatkan ketika jauh. Bismillah teman-teman, semangat!

Birthdays Through The Years

16 tahun, Slot

Ini nge-collage nya jaman masih alay makanya alay gitu. Dateng ke smansa terus diajak ke slot dan akhirnya dapet surprise dari temen-temen (foto pojok kiri atas ada makhluk bernama Iqi yang sempet dikira anak panti), yang jadi "penanggungjawab" tak lain dan tak bukan adalah Nidya. Seneng banget karena kayanya ini first legit surprise yang gua peroleh (pas SMP surprise ultahnya kecil-kecilan gak pernah yang terancang). Pojok kanan atas dapet surprise dadakan dari mama, ayah, dan kakak-kakak. Kue red velvet nya enak banget hehe. Pojok kiri bawah itu brosur-brosur dari LSWK yang isinya ucapan dan foto aib gua. Tengah bawah itu foto puisi yang ayah kirimin (lucu banget kan beliau) dan pojok kanan bawah itu buatan Refia sumpah ngapain gua masukin ya isinya muka jelek gua semua hahahah tapi love you Ref.

Bali, 17 tahun

Ini foto surprise ulang tahun ke 17, surprise paling romantis yang pernah gua peroleh. Hari H timeline penuh muka aib yang meskipun memalukan tapi membuatku senang, siangnya sempet nangis karena suatu tingkah tidak beretika anak Pedang Platinum yang hingga kini masih gua ingat (dan dendam sedikit), tapi kekesalan dan amarah itu terbayar jam 8 malam pas dikasih CD yang sampai sekarang masih gua simpan. Terus pas studi banding; malam pertama di hotel horror yang letaknya di Bali kita berencana mau jalan keluar. Pas masuk kamar Fina dan Athifa malah disambut lilin-lilin dan balon-balon yang ujungnya itu kumpulan foto aib gua, terus dindingnya dipenuhi sama post it yang berisi wishes dari temen-temen seangkatan, terus dikasih bonchon sebagai pengganti kue, dan mereka pada jargon tim sukses birthday acit. Kalo pake twibbon Alzheimer sih, ini memori yang gak bisa gua bayangin kalo sampe ilang dari otak. I love you guys. Terutama makasih Ail dan Fina sebagai main koordinator ultah yang satu ini. Pojok kiri bawah kue super enak dari keluarga. Terus tiba-tiba berhari-hari kemudian dapet surprise susulan di mana sahabat-sahabat pada dateng ke rumah bawain kado dan habis itu kita makan pizza dan spaghetti.

18 tahun, depan Monarchy

Ketika sang penanggungjawab surprise rela bolos sehari buat ngurus ini itu (penanggungjawabnya bukan Fona ya, kebetulan aja gua adanya foto sama dia hehe love you Fon), lalu Shalhan malah keceplosan ke gua. Terus lagi birthday lunch bersama a significant person pas tiba-tiba dia keluar gak balik-balik, gua udah langsung feeling dan akhirnya keluar Monarchy tapi gak ada apa-apa, terus sampe dikasih tau satpam "mba itu kesana dikit" hahahahaha. Memang sih gak surprise jadinya, tapi jujur aja itu justru hal yang nyadarin banget, ketika gua udah expect it to happen ternyata rasa gembira dan kegirangan yang gua rasain tetep tinggi banget. Kirain mobilnya buat gua juga ternyata engga. Gak deng, dapet pizza tunamelt dan burger+fries mcd sudah membuatku amat sangat bahagia, plus dekorasi yang gemes, dan yang pasti keberadaan my beloved bffs.

Yang terbaru, hari h dapet ucapan spesial berupa link video ulang tahun yang ada di youtube (which membuatku so happy thankyou Nadkal sebagai editor dan pengelola xoxo) dan paginya setelah solat subuh tiba-tiba dikasih kue dan bunga sama keluarga (malemnya gua sempet liat ada bunga dalem kulkas tapi sangat gak nyangka itu buat gua karena selama ini kalo ultah gak pernah dikasih bunga sama mereka) terus dua hari kemudian dapet surprise dari sahabat-sahabat FK pas lagi di E5. Untung banget sebelum di surprise gua sempet merapikan penampilan dulu hahaha memang ya feeling itu harus diikuti, terus tiba-tiba pada muncul dan gua kaget banget beneran surprised. Dapet kue super enak dan lucunya mereka print muka orangtua dan kakak-kakak gua (bahkan liliput juga mereka ingat) jadi berasa disurprise sekeluarga. Sangat wajib dibaca bahwa foto yang terlihat agak gossip-able di pojok kanan bawah itu adalah sobat platonic yang sangat baik dan gak enakan; dia nge surprise susulan karena siangnya gak bisa dateng dan dia dimarahin Nadkal akibatnya dia jadi gak enak dan seniat itu dateng ke kost bareng Tatang ngasih surprise kecil-kecilan tapi bikin seneng juga (plus di malam itu dapet kado dari sohibku Muthia Ika Laksmi)  terus bahagia banget ternyata sahabat-sahabat SMA masih pada ngucapin panjang-panjang. Semoga tetap begitu ya untuk ke depannya. Terus Selasa, 28 Feb kemarin sepulang dari praktikum dikasih kado dadakan (barengan sama Fanny yang abis ultah juga) dari HG terbaik sepanjang masa; Dumb and Dumber dikoordinasikan oleh @benacupu.

Itu dia kisah ultahku di mulai dari kelas 10 sampai yang terbaru semester 1 di FKUI. Semuanya spesial dan berkenang bgt, bagian terbaik itu ngebaca wishes dan ucapan dari orang-orang yang gua sayang. I am super grateful to have each one of these memories, I wish to have more great ones ahead. Thank you my dearest friends for being super lovely and always making me feel loved, I owe you guys big.