5 Must Watch

DEAD POETS SOCIETY

THE BREAKFAST CLUB

FREEDOM WRITERS

THE BLIND SIDE

THE LITTLE PRINCE 

*even if you've read the book. 

The only neuroscience that makes me happy

Di mabim kemarin gua sama Kak Hilman beruntung bisa jadi fasilitator bagi kelompok yang (menurut gua) paling asik. Anaknya seru-seru dan get along super fine, incredibly sweet, easy to talk to, respectable and bright. I actually can't imagine if I was paired up with another partner, or if I was assigned on another group, things wouldn't have been as perfect as they were. 

Dari awal dapet nama-namanya, aku sama Kak Mano langsung do our research. Terus dengan ngide nya kita bikin notes-notes yang dipasang di pulpen dari miniso untuk dibagiin ke anak-anak fasil kita di diskusi fasil pertama. Inget banget pas opening mabim, di sesi perkenalan fasil di auditorium, kelompok 13 udah ribut sendiri gitu (segini belum kenal ataupun ketemu samsek), aku sama Kak Mano langsung positive thinking "wah kayanya asik nih". We couldn't be more right. Akhirnya kita  interaksi pertama kali di diskusi fasil, let me tell you, dari awal kelompok ini udah aneh bgt. Diminta cerita keunikan dan ternyata semuanya waaaayy beyond imagination dengan keunikan yang bener-bener unik, entah itu ga punya gigi seri, alergi matahari, suka banget boncabe sampe bawa boncabe kemana-mana, pokoknya dari diskusi pertama kita udah seru. Sampe-sampe inget bgt ada fasil lain yang ngomong "kelompok lu kok tadi rame bgt sih gua jadi pressure karena diskusi gua tadi sepi sedangkan sampingnya kelompok lu ketawa-ketawa mulu". Good job guys.

Terus dilanjutkan dengan beberapa pertemuan berupa diskusi fasil di acara-acara mabim. Contohnya itu ya foto di atas, foto ini diambil pas kita kedatengan fasil eksternal (Kak Dhany) di acara PDOKM. Bahkan Kak Dhany aja bilang kalo anak-anak kelompok ini seru, antusias, ya intinya menuai pujian dan tanggapan positif. Again, great job guys. 

Terus ini foto pas nemenin sebagiannya wawancara dr. Affan. Awalnya pada sedih karena demi wawancara akhirnya gabisa ikut parade ksatria hijau, tapi setelah selesai justru pada bersyukur karena wawancara nya seinspiratif itu. Terus foto yang kanan pas kita makan sate pemberian dr Affan (baik banget kan beliau) sambil ngemper di tangga-tangga pintu keluar RSCM. Ya namanya juga kelaperan.

Hal lain yang paling bikin kelompok 13 seru itu grup nya yang rame. Entah diisi dengan ngejekin orang-orang, kak Mano ngirim meme gak berguna, dll. Pokoknya grup nya rame bahas apa aja, sampe di akhir-akhir malah sering bgt korban ejekannya fasilitator nya sendiri:(

Di closing mabim aku dan Kak Mano dapet sertifikat dari mereka. Hal-hal simple gini yang bikin seneng sekaligus sedih harus ngeliat mereka lepas jakun wqwq. Di akhir juga kita sempet ngelakuin hal yang kelompok mabim aku dulu lakuin pas masih maba, nulis kesan pesan di notebook satu sama lain dalam waktu 1 menit. Dulu kelompokku ngerasa 1 menit itu cukup, tp kelompok ini minta dibikin 2 menit karena pengen nulis yang panjang, which is another proof of how close we are to each other. Akhirnya Nurul, Monika, dan Yasmin sampe nangis juga ngungkapin kesan dan pesan mereka untuk kelompok ini, di mana selama ini kelompok 13 udah bisa jadi motivator, hiburan, dan tempat buat ketawa-ketawa. Sebenernya gua udah pengen nangis bgt bgt bgt tp gabisa krn sakit kepala which is alhamdulillah juga kaliya karena gua suka malu kalo nangis di tempat umum hahaha. Terus sore nya sebagian dari kita makan ke margo (in which aku dan kak Mano ditraktir huhu baik bet) terus karaoke and as usual Mpal being the wild and fun Mpal with his dangdut songs.

Sepulangnya dari kumpul itu gua ngebaca ulang kesan pesan yang ditulisin satu-satu bocil-bocil (except for Syifa yang berhalangan hadir di closing huhu we missed u) dan gua terharu bgt. Ada beberapa yang bilang kalo mereka berhasil bikin temennya iri karena denger gimana fasil kelompok 13, but they don't know that seharusnya yang iri itu fasil-fasil lain ke aku dan Kak Mano karena dapet kelompok yang bener-bener gak membuat kerjaan sebagai fasil kerasa kaya kerjaan, yang saking ramenya sering bikin Bintang bertanya-tanya kenapa kelompok 13 bisa serame dan sekompak itu, yang bikin orang-orang nanya kok grup nya bisa rame terus, yang bikin Taufiq bilang "anak-anak kelompok lu asik dah", yang bikin aku sendiri sering mikir kenapa bisa hoki banget dapet anak-anak kaya kalian? In short, you guys are such sunshines. 

One last important thing, di diskusi fasil terakhir gua sempet berkata-kata semacam kesan pesan terakhir dan menurut gua rangkaian kata gua sangat kacau balau dikarenakan sakit kepala yang udah gua sebutkan tadi. Jadi pesan gua sebenernya sederhana juga sih, untuk kelompok 13, you guys just don't know how grateful I am to have been a part of such a loving group of people. I have grown close to each and every one of you, I care about you guys very deeply. Jangan pernah ragu untuk pc-pc aku lagi dengan cerita apapun, remember that I will always be willing to listen.

p.s. to the best fasil partner ever, it's super sad for me to think about you leaving soon, I hope you have a wonderful year abroad and will still keep in contact with me. 

words to live by

"bingung dah gua kenapa lu mau-mau aja jadi (...)" me too, sometimes, but here's a reason why i shouldn't be

i think, our biggest problem is, we try too hard on impressing other people

I went through a phase of writing things on my blog with the expectation that people would like what they read. I checked on my views often, even dreamt that perhaps one day I could reach out to millions of people and make a living out of this. I figured something out; people don't care much about other people's views, thoughts, or stuff (unless you're someone, like maybe a celebrity or something). So I did what I thought was the only rational thing to do, I wrote what people would wanna read. I posted the link on any platform I could find, just to at least make my followers read them. It worked, some of my posts had plenty of views. and even so I was really anxious about what people thought of it, "bener gak sih penggunaan katanya" "does this post make me look like a total brag" "kalo pake bahasa inggris dikira nge sok ga ya" and so on.

long story short, just like that, my joy in writing vanished. So I stopped posting.

Entah apa yang terjadi selanjutnya, but I think I was probably having a rough day. Something I've learnt from experience, a rough day makes a good writer. The raw emotion must've been the oil to the engine, and it was a good start to an absolute great ride. I started writing again, this time, with no intention of getting people's attention. If you were to take the words of a clueless 19 year old like myself, then, take this one: writing to express yourself is much joyful than writing to impress other people (whom, by default, are set out to give 0 damns about what you actually think or feel. with few exceptions, of course). My greatest blogging days began the day I stopped caring whether anyone bother reading any of my posts, whether people liked my writings or not, whether people thought of it as quality or as worthless pieces of garbage. The sense of relief I get from expressing myself is be a big enough reason to continue. 

To end this post, here is a quote from Tuesdays with Morrie* showcasing why we shouldn't try too hard on impressing other people, although it doesn't have much to do with "expressing yourself" as this post mostly talk about, it clearly goes together with the idea that there are far greater things out there to focus on rather than trying to please the crowd. So folks, don't let the eyes looking down upon you be the stop sign. Continue to do what you love, rise above it.

*terima kasih untuk orang yang menghadiahi saya buku ini, such a good read.

what on earth is a "me time"?

tugu kujang jaman dahulu kala, dari google hehe.

For a long time I wanted to be an introvert, they impress me. Most introverts I know are very mysterious, but aside from being cool, they seem to be so in touch with themselves. Reality is I gain energy from being with people, hanging out with my friends, sleeping in at someone's place. I accepted the fact that I was no introvert. If anyone's thinking "Cit, it's more of a spectrum than a--" believe me, I know now.

Even so, my admiration for introverts didn't die along the realization that I wasn't a "member". It got to a point where I used to observe those so called introverts' tendencies, most of them socialize well, but it's evident that a lot of times they choose not to. The one thing I couldn't process was how they liked hanging out alone. They go to the movies, shop, or eat out all on their own while I didn't even enjoy going to the canteen by myself. I talked about this with fellow extroverts and they agreed.

29th of April 2017, I decided I wanted to hang out on my own. I thought maybe I would go to the mall, eat something, stroll around, for the sole purpose of knowing what it's like. So how did it go? At first it was awkward, I ate sushi all by myself while a couple seated next to me were holding hands. I felt as though people were staring at me with pity, but I knew in my righteous mind that nobody was thinking that, nobody even noticed. When I finished my plate I left and decided to look around. This was another stupid decision considering how I dislike shopping, I honestly do. All I did was stare at things uninterestedly and left as soon as "silahkan mba ada yang bisa saya bantu.." vibes came near. Probably around 15 minutes of useless strolling I decided to go home with my conclusion that going out alone is not how I roll.

As I was walking outside Botani Square to a good pick up spot, I looked ahead and saw the crowded street. My heart felt lifted a bit and I found myself putting back my phone postponing my initial attempt of ordering gojek. I walked along the street and thought to myself of how much I love this city, with all its memories. I grew up here, met so many good people here, I have sprinkled all the spots here with moments I could gladly pick up on now each and every time I go pass a place. I sat on a bench right in front of Tugu Kujang and I swear I wanted to cry. I wasn't sad, nor was I happy. I just felt emotional for some reason, maybe because I miss my old life. I have been too busy and distracted with worldly things that I had forgotten to keep in touch with myself, I had forgotten to write in my journal, I had forgotten to put down my phone and get spiritual. I have been very tired and I didn't even realize. So I just sat there looking at that magnificent part of this city, cars passing by, the reddish sky, people walking. It felt so good, somehow. I was glad I had no one else by my side.

That moment of just sitting there on the bench, thinking of almost nothing and everything all at once, reflecting my life and all the things I have been neglecting, I felt like I achieved so many things by doing nothing but sit there and stare. I finally understood what a "me time" is.

So, with that experience, I can honestly say I actually like going out alone, as long as it's set in the right place. Malls can be fun with friends, but they tend to wear me out. Sitting on a bench near trees and crowded streets? That's more like it. I will surely do it again when I have the chance.

Speaking of which, that thing about this extravert introvert being a spectrum? I guarantee you this: it is.