lessons in my 23 years of life

 a note from 24/12/2021

1. don't always listen to yourself

you can say a lot of unpleasant thing in your head, if you can't change your inner talk yet, then learn not to listen to it too often.

2. don't always trust how you feel 

sometimes you will feel bad whilst doing the right thing. it doesn't have to feel right, there are times when you gotta trust your mind more than your heart 

3. self discipline is about not letting your emotions control you 

exactly why number 2 is important 

4. drugs have side effects, so does the food you eat 

remember that EBCR you did on food and its link to ADHD? perhaps think about how connected the GIT and the brain are. If you feel unenergised or lazy, perhaps consider a healthier meal. It goes a long way. 

6. Read 

even if you don't particularly feel like the book is relevant to your current situation, you don't know when it might be. Just like that book Simplicite! 

p.s. these were taken from my 2021 journal, serves as a reminder from me to me. and to whoever will inherit my journal. 

Alias Grace

 

    Just finished watching this gem on Netflix, and it made me think. The world is safest now than ever and this period piece has made it much clearer than I ever cared to realise. Grace, Mary, and even a character as unlikeable as Nancy were all victims of the times they lived in. Though the storyline itself is fiction, the series depicts the reality of how women were treated back then. It disturbed me how at the end of the series, I implicitly got to see and understood how even the seemingly kindhearted men (dr Simon Jordan and James Walsh) took pleasure in the stories of Grace's torture and misfortune, they all liked the idea of coming in as her saviour, more so than actually saving her. Even at the end, when things seemed to have settled, Grace's role was in serving and pleasing the man she ended up with. The most devastating part is, considering how terrible her life had been up to that point, the ending was good enough to be considered her "happy ending."

    Moving on to another gem I watched months ago, the kind of story I wish is fiction but is not. The story portrayed in the miniseries "Unbelievable" can't be excused with "those were dark times" as it happened during the so-called safest time to be alive. Women are still facing the same fear every day, we still face the same enemies as we did back then, and a lot of us are still considered second class citizens.

    It's a coincidence that with these thoughts pondering in my mind, came to light two stories of women in Indonesia being unjustly treated by the men in their lives, one caused a woman to be put in a wheelchair and the other resulted in death. These aren't even the tip of the icebergs, thousands of other stories don't make it to the light of day. And again, let me stress, this is considered the safest time for women to live in the history of the world. We clearly still have a long way to go.   

    I feel the need to clarify that a part of me feels like I have no right to complain as most of my life I have been blessed with safety and a good surrounding (the worst I face these days are catcalls in the streets, and I pray to God it never exceeds that). However, I do have the right to speak in solidarity with women out there who are less fortunate than I am, and I take that chance. We still have a long way to go, that is true, but we must always remember that we have also come this far. We can go further. We will go further.

Lessons In My 20s (...so far)

I'm 23 in less than 2 months, only 1/3 of my 20s. I might change my mind once I turn 33, but oh well, here's what I've learned so far.

1. It's all about balance 

Homeostasis is one of the earliest lessons we got in our first year of medschool. Too much of anything is dangerous, yet the term less is more doesn't apply when it comes to the amount of iron in our body, the insulin produced by the beta cells, the ATP generated by the mitochondria, you name it. Same goes our life. Here's an example, healthy eating is good, but once you become too much of a healthy eater that you refuse to eat anything other than what goes in your dietary codes, or you begin to ridicule your friends for eating junk, or not wanting to eat out with loved ones at a restaurant that serves meat (this actually happens), you lose your ability to adapt with your surroundings, and for the opposite case I don't even need to explain what a habit of unhealthy eating could do to a person. Think about it, loving someone too much or too less, wanting something so bad or not wanting anything at all, caring for something too deeply vs being careless, trusting too much vs having trust issues, toxic productivity vs staying in a rut, the list goes on. Most things are a spectrum and therefore, we can strive for balance. 

2. A lot of us don't know who we are 

I'm well aware that we are in control of who we are and cultivating ourselves is a lifelong journey, but the case is we don't spend enough time talking to ourselves to understand our own emotions, preferences, and what truly matters. Here are simple questions for you to ponder, when does your energy peak the most throughout the day? What are your priorities? Are you happy with where you are now? If you find it difficult to answer these questions, perhaps you haven't been paying enough attention to your truest self. Sometimes, you can think of yourself a certain way, but once you sit down and really think about your past experiences and where you currently stand, you realise you're not the way you thought you were. For me this realisation came when I had a career consulting session with a psychologist. She asked me "what is the one thing you're not willing to sacrifice?" and after a lot of thinking, my answer was so far fetched from what I initially thought would be my definite answer. Another instance was when I came to see, as someone who spent a large portion of her coming of age partaking in story telling competitions, I thought I was a natural born performer, but now I know I don't really care for the attention, I actually enjoy being an audience. So whoever is reading this, please spend more time listening to yourself, you deserve it. 

                                  

3. Trial and error, no shortcut

This lesson came to light during the past 4 years of me dwelling in the world of so called "self improvement". I've tried a lot of methods in enforcing better habits, there is an abundant source of learning, just type in how to have better habits in youtube and voila, you wouldn't have the time to watch all of the video that pops up. You can take inspiration from anywhere, but most likely you're not gonna succeed in the first try. You'll try and try and try, go back to attempt 1, then mix method 2 and 3, oops you pause cause life happens and you sorta forgot all about bettering yourself, then you remember and go back to step 1. After a while you look back and realise that you've made your own set of rules from lessons you encountered from multiple sources mixed with your own personal experience. Remember that the errors aren't a waste of time, it's a step closer to finding what works for you. Self regulation is tailor made after all. 

Let's see what I think of this post by the end of my 20s. Bye folks. 

Apps for Productivity

I've used a number of productivity apps in hopes they would boost my energy level and keep me disciplined throughout the day. I don't know about you, but consistency has always been such a hard thing for me. For someone who takes time to adapt, it's ironic how easily bored and in need of new settings I am just to have that spike of energy, the one you feel when you buy a new pair of running shoes, and so you run every morning for maybe the next 2 weeks until that motivation wears out, and then you just stop running altogether. These apps have that effect on me, almost as if apps for productivity are equivalent to toys for when we were little, essentially serving the same purpose; to make us feel good about ourselves before you get bored and lost interest then wait till the next interesting toy. Except maybe productivity could help us more in the long run compared to barbie dolls. You get what I'm saying. 

Anyways, the purpose of this post, like all the other posts on this blog, is nothing but a rent free ranting space for me, and perhaps a source of information for you folks, especially regarding productivity apps I've had my fair share of trials, so why not talk about it, right? The first one is Habit.

I used to track my habits in my daily journal, very conventional. I actually enjoyed the creative outlet required to create my monthly habit tracking thread, but you don't always have your book right beside you like you do your smartphone. So last year I decided to start using this app instead, and it's one of the best productivity apps for me. It's super simple, you just gotta put all the things you wanna make a habit, set how many times you wanna do them in a week or month, and then you just check them each time you do them. Everyday it will show you the percentage, and each time you stop doing these habits, it will slowly reduce. You can trace back your graphs to see when you were at your peak and when you slack off. I personally found, not to my surprise, that during modules I find difficult, I tend to slack off. This is especially challenging for me cause during those times, self care and a good set of habits are very important, but instead I still find myself slacking off due to the pressure of school work. A whooping 5/5 cause I can't think of a way to make this app better, but for sure some of you might disagree.

On to the next one, Wunderlist. 

This was recommended to me by my dear friend Abiyyu (click to be directed to his excellent Medium), I was fairly new to digital planning so I never heard this one prior to my conversation with him and turned out I liked it. I used it for some time but it's kinda weird that I'm even talking about it cause sadly the app died some time ago, but it's now available as Microsoft To Do. Ever since it changed to To Do I no longer use it cause I guess I just lost interest, and now I use another one, which is

Notion

Perhaps most of you have heard about this one. Notion is very customisable so for someone who likes to do some bullet-semi-art journalling like myself, I found setting up my Notion quite fun (despite initially complaining here and there), the picture above is one of my template. I had to look up youtube videos first to find inspiration, but don't worry if you're not looking forward to setting up templates, you can always use one of their pre-made (they have plenty!). Another plus is that they have the computer app and the phone app so everything's in sync. It also works well as a sort of digital journal if you want them to be, take mine for example: 

I keep some of my favourite quotes, youtube videos, book recommendations and reviews in each sorted page. The picture above shows my collection of feel-good quotes that I can always add from time-to-time for that suburban mom energy. Now here comes the bad news, there is a limit to the elements we use, if I remember correctly the limit is 1000 elements. An element is one checklist, or in the picture above one quotation, and many other forms you'll understand once you use the app. When we reach that limit we gotta start paying for an upgrade. It's not much a problem for me cause I don't use Notion regularly. Also, instead of keeping the to do lists I've done in the archive, I just delete them to save the element count. Again I recognise that this app is not for everybody since it's safe to assume that not a lot of people enjoy having to customise, the tackles could actually hinder productivity rather than boost it up, even for me. In terms of keeping me productive I'll give this one a 3/5 cause to be fair a huge factor of why I use Notion is the aesthetic and not much about the productivity itself. 

Another app I can still categorise under the productivity tag is Reflect, an app for daily guided reflective journaling.

I am going to start by saying that this is not the app for me, but hear me out cause this might just be for you. I personally do not enjoy doing digital journaling, to clarify I'm not contradicting myself, the journaling I do on Notion I consider somewhat like a blogpost, whereas the journaling I'm talking about here is reflecting, which for me is an intimate moment that requires minimum distraction, therefore why I'm still doing it the conventional way with a book and a pen. I initially installed this app cause I found myself skipping my daily reflecting session (or in a more honest term; writing diary, if you like to call it, but it's actually not the same.) and so I thought perhaps this too required a shift to technology that are more accessible and easy to use. But one of the sole purposes of my reflecting is to get away from distractions and have time for myself and my thoughts alone, using an app just makes it more difficult and I also really like the sensation of having a pen and a book in hand. But I still think this app is worth mentioning cause it really does have some good guidance with a bunch of questions worth pondering. I've talked about my habit of reflecting with few of my close friends and some say they just aren't used to it and can't think of anything to write, so I figure this app could be so useful for those of you needing guidance to get yourself started in the habit of talking to yourself (it's good for the soul, trust me). You can choose from a number of topics such as appreciating yourself, being kind, and a lot of other topics (lots of which are free, but most aren't). It also helps that the app is pleasing to the eyes. Another similar app I tried was Müse and I actually used it more than Reflect, no particular reason, just cause I started trying it first. If you prefer simplicity and a chance to read other people's writing Müse should be the one for you. From the lack of use I personally can't tell which I like better. Personally would still recommend a piece of paper for reflecting. 

The newest app I'm currently using is Owaves. I stumbled upon this one while watching a youtube video but sadly cant remember the video so credit's not due where it's supposed to. Anyways, it's a visual daily planner where you can easily plan your ideal day, save your planned day, or even go with the template they've made for the "perfect" day. It's very simple and easy to use, they also automatically send notification 10 minutes before every event and requires no alarm setting, you can also add and see other people's planned days cause apps nowadays seem to require a social aspect to it, but I personally avoid using these apps to socialise cause productivity is not a competition and I think sharing our daily schedule would risk the chance of making it about showing off which I do not condone (toxic productivity is real mate). The minor problem I have about this app is the vibrant colours used for the activities. As far as I know we can only change the icons but not the colours, and I am a huge fan of soft colours, being a visual planner I really wish the colour schemes were customisable to user's suiting, but perhaps there is a psychological reason why they use vibrant colours? Aside from that, I'm fairly new to this one so can't say much about it yet, for the last three days it's been wonderful, just like a new pair of running shoes. Hope I'll stay consistent with this one, updates will be made. 

Thanks for stopping by!

Key Habit

Sejak 2017 gua super tertarik tentang habit and I've had my ups and downs on venturing the world of creating good habits (mostly downs, tbh)

Terima kasih kepada temen seangkatan yang ngasih pinjem buku ini dan in a span of 2 months (lama banget, i know) akhirnya beres baca. Now I'm not gonna review this book cause I had already done that here, tapi gua mau pitch in satu point penting yang gua pelajari dari buku ini yaitu key habit atau kebiasaan kunci. The key habit adalah the habit that has such an impact that everything else starts falling into the right order after you get a hand of this key habit. The key habit is how a lot of people who for years couldn't lose any weight, all of a sudden, found a way to get on their feet and work out daily aside from changing their diet for the better.

You know the interesting thing is? Setelah mencoba mencari key habit untuk diri gua pribadi, I find that shalat 5 waktu works its wonders. Think about it, ada suatu obligasi yang sedemikian rupa waktu nya udah diatur, caranya juga, tujuannya udah jelas, and you just have to do it daily. If you stick to it, and really do it properly (tepat waktu, berusaha khusyuk), everything falls into place. I tried to make drinking lots of water a habit through so many ways dan belum ada yang berhasil, but I've found that kalau nyoba minum setiap selesai solat 5 waktu, more often than not I would follow through.

Tbh ini masih kurang hari untuk bisa bener-bener bilang bahwa everything is working out well, but I'm optimistic and thought this was worth the share. I'll update soon.

First Painting Experience and Giotto Acquerelli Review, sort of.

Sebenernya my first ever painting experience was back in SMA, waktu itu ada tugas ngelukis dan gua memutuskan utk melukis rusa Kebun Raya Bogor 🙂 terus ternyata seru! That was it though, gak kepikiran untuk nyoba lagi.

Recently though, karena lagi suka nontonin video bullet journal orang, tbtb encounter video melukis dan jadi pengen nyoba. Shout out untuk siapapun Jo Tisdale ini for her motivational words

Long story short, beberapa hari lalu pas lagi di suatu mall yang selalu rame, sebut saja Kokas, gua pun memutuskan untuk membeli watercolor ini

Harga nya relatif murah, kalo gak salah Rp 68.000,-. Waktu itu cukup bingung mau beli Giotto Acquerelli ini atau Faber Castell watercolour, untuk Faber Castell sendiri kelebihannya yang langsung keliatan waktu itu adalah packaging nya yang kecil, jadi dia lebih handy untuk dibawa kemana-mana, sementara si Giotto ini (bisa diliat perbandingannya dengan ukuran tangan gua di foto) walaupun slim, tapi ukurannya cukup lebar so it makes it less handy. Nah tapi si Faber Castell itu cuma tersedia yang 12 color block, sementara sebagai pemula (yg bener2 pemula) gua merasa akan susah kalo harus blend in warna ini-itu, jadi gua memilih untuk membeli Giotto yang warna nya sudah cukup variatif to avoid the need of color blending 🆗

Ini foto Giotto nya setelah dibuka, right away langsung sadar kalo bagian tutup nya bisa dipake buat palette so it's super useful! Seneng jg sama variasi warna nya yang menurut gua cukup lengkap, ini krusial soalnya midway through painting, gua baru terpikirkan "ini cara blend warna gimana ya.." karena yang gua tau kalo paint lain itu kita ambil big chunk of paint, taro di palette, terus di mix, tapi color block di sini kerasa "padet" banget dan gua nya sendiri yang malah jadi gak tega buat nge-congkel paint nya, jadi so far I haven't yet figure that one out. 

Di dalem Giotto ini ada satu buah brush dengan tutup nya (but I lost tutup nya like 3 seconds after opening the package lol). Sebenernya gua masih belum tau quality brush itu yang kaya gimana, tapi berdasarkan art tool reviews yang pernah gua tonton di youtube, kalo ujung brush nya jadi "kepecah-pecah" atau bahkan copot, itu artinya kualitas nya jelek. Good news! Brush ini dari awal sampe akhir menurut gua cukup kuat, dia ga misah-misah jadi "fragmen-fragmen" yang bercabang-cabang sendiri gitu, selama make gak merasa ada keluhan so I think it's all good. 

Nah sekarang masuk ke bagian melukisnya, for my first ever lesson, I clicked on this youtube video and followed her tutorial: makoccino 

Di lesson pertama ini gua belajar beberapa hal berikut

• the way you stroke the brush matters, a lot! Jadi gua baru mempelajari kalo arah kita nge stroke, kekuatannya, make bagian ujung nya banget atau bagian samping daripada brush, everything makes an impact. I know this is basic knowledge but let me remind u once again that this is roughly my second time holding a brush so I am not experienced whatsoever
• don't add too much water. I did this a lot dan karena gua menggunakan kertas A4 (because I don't have sketch books, yet) kertas nya jadi gampang berkeriput😟😞
• how do u blend the colors? wkwk as I mentioned before. So lesson learned adalah kita harus belajar dulu tentang tools yang mau kita pake cause apparently tiap merk beda cara penggunaannya juga
• my pen was not waterproof. Jadi buat gambar details di painting nya, gua pake finecolour sketch fineliner warna hitam (karena ga ada foto nya, di bawah ini foto dari google). Harga nya murah guys, kurang dari Rp 10.000,- each, dan lebih murah kalo beli langsung banyak kaya gambar di bawah. Namun harus find out the hard way today kalau pulpen ini gak waterproof, alhasil dia jadi blur sama background and kinda ruined my painting, lesson learned. Tapi kalau di atas lukisan yang udah bener-bener kering, dia gak lumer-lumer banget kok and looks just fine. 
  

So below is the final look of my painting: 

Sorry for the bad lighting cause I thought kalo di foto di lighting yang bagus bakal menunjukkan berbagai kekacauan dan flaws dari first attempt ini hahaha. The second frame is a total fail karena kalo kalian liat di video nya, frame kedua itu harusnya jadi gambar nebula, tapi karena gua gak punya white ink dan bahkan tip-x pun ga ada, gak bisa gambar bintang-bintang sehingga cuma bisa nambahin dot-dot putih pake cat warna putih, at least I tried. You can also see that my gradasi is very rough so I really need to work on that, and also kapal di frame ketiga terlihat sangat berantakan, as I mentioned pulpen nya gak waterproof dan I stupidly used it pas paint nya belum dry-off completely. 

Salah satu arahan dari narrator video nya itu untuk mainin tebel engga nya warna, tapi entah kenapa hasil punya dia keliatan natural bgt sementara yang gua keliatan super rough terutama di frame pertama di mana ada ungu yang super tipis dan all of a sudden ada ungu yang super tebel, I guess it'll get better if I practice more. Also, kertas A4 is totally not the one for this so when I have the time (and money) I'll get myself a decent sketch book. Compliments go to my Giotto Acquerelli karena gua merasa colors nya super pretty dan gak terlalu cepet mengering on paper, so far I like my Giotto very much. Of course, compliments also go to makoccino for her awesome video that helped me with my first painting lesson. 

Till then, folks!

Fear of Failure

The biggest blessing this month; to realize one's chronic weakness, atau bahkan bisa disebut sebagai suatu sesat pikir. Menyadari nya is a step, mengubahnya is another huge milestone. I guess it's time to level up. And read more books.

source: TIME

sesuatu dari blog satu lagi

jadi gua sempet menyadari kalo belakangan ini ada seseorang yang kurang ramah ke gua. setelah gua telusuri, menurut seorang sumber, org ini sedikit insecure karena gua (dalam kata lain; mengutip kata sumber gua; iri hati).

di satu sisi gua bersyukur, pasti ada nikmat dari Allah SWT kpd gua yg sampe membuat org ini bisa kaya gitu. gua jg gamau sok2 "apasih yg mau kamu iri-in toh gue gini2 aja" krn pada nyatanya sesuatu yg "gini2" aja bagi seseorang bisa jadi suatu impian bagi org lain. tp gua sekedar ingin bercerita ttg Astrid versi smp yang punya folder di laptop toshiba nya berjudul hatred chapter. pas tingkat 1 gua nemu lagi tu laptop dan gua buka folder itu, buset, isinya cuma gua ngeluh doang ttg org2 yg deep down gua iri-in. bbrp emg ada yg purely gua ngeluh krn kejahatan org2 tsb, tp most of them adalah penyaluran rasa iri gua terhadap mrk2 yg dulu memiliki sesuatu yg seorang anak SMP inginkan; popularitas. ea jijik bgt tp pls itu normal. untung aja gua dulu menyalurkannya ke diri gua sendiri, bkn mengumbarnya ke medsos. i guess i got common sense to thank for that. 

ok, balik lagi ke intinya. dulu gua org yg se iri hati itu. sampe pada tahap di mana gua insecure bgt sama diri gua. tp  krn dr dulu gua outgoing dan "pede" org2 selalu ga bisa see through my insecurities unless mungkin org2 yg sedeket itu sama gua. dan entah gmn cerita maupun caranya, mungkin krn gua semakin dewasa dan mulai fokus ke aspek kehidupan lain yg jauh lebih penting, rasa iri gua itu hilang perlahan-lahan. gua lebih fokus sm diri gua sendiri, pengembangan diri gua, hubungan gua sm org2 sekitar gua, dan terutama keluarga gua, even kalo boleh jujur; liliput. gua semenganjurkan itu org lain punya pet, krn pet beneran ngajarin afeksi dan kasih sayang, even rasa percaya diri (like, this little creature doesn't understand anything, but she trusts me. i dont deserve this??) ok enough about that. intinya gua mulai fokus sama diri gua, dan ever since, hidup gua alhamdulillah started going up. gua ga bilang skrg gua ga pernah iri lagi sm org lain, sampe skrg gua masih sering liat org dan kaya "wanjir pgn dah gua jadi kaya dia" terutama kalo liat cewe2 cantik atau anak2 yudisium. keren bgt aja di mata gua. tp menurut gua itu manusiawi dan masih dibatas wajar. rasa iri itu ga membuat gua sebel sm org yg gua iri-in, rasa iri itu kadang malah memotivasi gua. dan balik lagi, gua mencoba fokus ke diri gua sendiri.

intinya, utk org itu, atau siapapun yg mungkin entah di belahan dunia mana menyimpan rasa iri thdp gua (sampe jadi gak suka sama gua, or even worse, ga suka sm diri sendiri), gua anjurkan untuk fokus pada perkembangan diri lu dan jangan terfokus pada orang lain. mana tau sebenernya kalian jg org yg gua iriin, atau diiriin sama temen sebelah kalian, atau diiriin sama anak2 pinggir jalan, ya intinya gitu lah. semua org punya sisi + yg diinginkan sama org lain, begitu pula sebaliknya, semua org punya sisi - yang bisa dilengkapi kelebihan orang disampingnya. toh, rumput tetangga memang akan selalu terlihat lebih hijau, might as well ngurusin kebon sendiri ga sih?

sekian aja deh rant gua hari ini. ingat! kalau kalian berbahagia dan berbangga dengan diri kalian, niscaya dunia akan mengikuti. itu prinsip yg gua selalu coba terapkan walaupun susahnya minta ampun. byebye 

About making things a habit

"the chains of habit are too light to be felt until they're too heavy to be broken" - Warren Buffet.

quote favorite gua sejak tingkat 1 -- sempet digantikan posisinya oleh quote "Maktub" dari buku Alchemist --  dan sekarang kembali menempati posisi best quote ever.

Kenapa quote itu sangat menggugah bagi gua? Karena gua punya berbagai kebiasaan buruk; begadang (tanpa melakukan apapun yang produktif), bangun siang, terlambat, menunda pekerjaan, gak punya tujuan, gak pernah pasang target, you name it. Parahnya lagi, keinginan untuk berubah jadi lebih baik baru gua temukan di kuliah, dan bahkan keinginan itu harus diawali dengan kesadaran gua kalau gua adalah manusia yang kacau. Yak, gua sempet merasa bahwa kehidupan main-main dan seenaknya itu bukan hal yang perlu dirubah.

Terus liburan kemarin gua encounter suatu video di Youtube, has been in my recommendations for quite some time tp gua tidak tertarik (at first). Akhirnya di suatu sore gua memutuskan untuk menonton video itu. Intinya, pembicaranya ngasih tau pandangan dia kalau, in her own words, motivation is bull-crap (ini gua perhalus ya he). You don't depend on motivations, motivations just come and go, it's all about beating your brain to do things you usually would not do.

The science behind it adalah our brain would try and protect us from doing things we usually wouldn't wanna do, this makes for hesitation ketika kita mau -- for example -- workout. That's why the trick is to distract your basal ganglia from making you hesitate and let your prefrontal cortex to make the right decisions (karena prefrontal cortex adalah bagian untuk decision making). Kalo trik dari si pembicara itu sendiri adalah dengan ngitung mundur dari 5-1 supaya those sounds of doubts in your head will shut up and you just. do. it. 

"Improving your self discipline means changing up your normal routine, which can be uncomfortable and awkward. Charles Duhigg, author of The Power of Habit, explains that habit behaviors are traced to a part of the brain called the basal ganglia - a portion of the brain associated with emotions, patterns, and memories. Decisions, on the other hand, are made in the prefrontal cortex, a completely different area. When a behavior becomes habit, we stop using our decision-making skills and instead function on auto-pilot. Therefore, breaking a bad habit and building a new habit not only requires us to make active decisions, it will feel wrong. Your brain will resist the change in favor of what it has been programmed to do. The solution? Embrace the wrong. Acknowledge that it will take a while for your new regime to feel right or good or natural. Keep chugging along. It will happen."

source: forbes

kurang lebih isi video yg gua tonton dan artikel forbes yang gua baca semester lalu mirip, tapi mempatenkannya memang agak sulit. Godspeed

5 Must Watch

DEAD POETS SOCIETY

THE BREAKFAST CLUB

FREEDOM WRITERS

THE BLIND SIDE

THE LITTLE PRINCE 

*even if you've read the book. 

The only neuroscience that makes me happy

Di mabim kemarin gua sama Kak Hilman beruntung bisa jadi fasilitator bagi kelompok yang (menurut gua) paling asik. Anaknya seru-seru dan get along super fine, incredibly sweet, easy to talk to, respectable and bright. I actually can't imagine if I was paired up with another partner, or if I was assigned on another group, things wouldn't have been as perfect as they were. 

Dari awal dapet nama-namanya, aku sama Kak Mano langsung do our research. Terus dengan ngide nya kita bikin notes-notes yang dipasang di pulpen dari miniso untuk dibagiin ke anak-anak fasil kita di diskusi fasil pertama. Inget banget pas opening mabim, di sesi perkenalan fasil di auditorium, kelompok 13 udah ribut sendiri gitu (segini belum kenal ataupun ketemu samsek), aku sama Kak Mano langsung positive thinking "wah kayanya asik nih". We couldn't be more right. Akhirnya kita  interaksi pertama kali di diskusi fasil, let me tell you, dari awal kelompok ini udah aneh bgt. Diminta cerita keunikan dan ternyata semuanya waaaayy beyond imagination dengan keunikan yang bener-bener unik, entah itu ga punya gigi seri, alergi matahari, suka banget boncabe sampe bawa boncabe kemana-mana, pokoknya dari diskusi pertama kita udah seru. Sampe-sampe inget bgt ada fasil lain yang ngomong "kelompok lu kok tadi rame bgt sih gua jadi pressure karena diskusi gua tadi sepi sedangkan sampingnya kelompok lu ketawa-ketawa mulu". Good job guys.

Terus dilanjutkan dengan beberapa pertemuan berupa diskusi fasil di acara-acara mabim. Contohnya itu ya foto di atas, foto ini diambil pas kita kedatengan fasil eksternal (Kak Dhany) di acara PDOKM. Bahkan Kak Dhany aja bilang kalo anak-anak kelompok ini seru, antusias, ya intinya menuai pujian dan tanggapan positif. Again, great job guys. 

Terus ini foto pas nemenin sebagiannya wawancara dr. Affan. Awalnya pada sedih karena demi wawancara akhirnya gabisa ikut parade ksatria hijau, tapi setelah selesai justru pada bersyukur karena wawancara nya seinspiratif itu. Terus foto yang kanan pas kita makan sate pemberian dr Affan (baik banget kan beliau) sambil ngemper di tangga-tangga pintu keluar RSCM. Ya namanya juga kelaperan.

Hal lain yang paling bikin kelompok 13 seru itu grup nya yang rame. Entah diisi dengan ngejekin orang-orang, kak Mano ngirim meme gak berguna, dll. Pokoknya grup nya rame bahas apa aja, sampe di akhir-akhir malah sering bgt korban ejekannya fasilitator nya sendiri:(

Di closing mabim aku dan Kak Mano dapet sertifikat dari mereka. Hal-hal simple gini yang bikin seneng sekaligus sedih harus ngeliat mereka lepas jakun wqwq. Di akhir juga kita sempet ngelakuin hal yang kelompok mabim aku dulu lakuin pas masih maba, nulis kesan pesan di notebook satu sama lain dalam waktu 1 menit. Dulu kelompokku ngerasa 1 menit itu cukup, tp kelompok ini minta dibikin 2 menit karena pengen nulis yang panjang, which is another proof of how close we are to each other. Akhirnya Nurul, Monika, dan Yasmin sampe nangis juga ngungkapin kesan dan pesan mereka untuk kelompok ini, di mana selama ini kelompok 13 udah bisa jadi motivator, hiburan, dan tempat buat ketawa-ketawa. Sebenernya gua udah pengen nangis bgt bgt bgt tp gabisa krn sakit kepala which is alhamdulillah juga kaliya karena gua suka malu kalo nangis di tempat umum hahaha. Terus sore nya sebagian dari kita makan ke margo (in which aku dan kak Mano ditraktir huhu baik bet) terus karaoke and as usual Mpal being the wild and fun Mpal with his dangdut songs.

Sepulangnya dari kumpul itu gua ngebaca ulang kesan pesan yang ditulisin satu-satu bocil-bocil (except for Syifa yang berhalangan hadir di closing huhu we missed u) dan gua terharu bgt. Ada beberapa yang bilang kalo mereka berhasil bikin temennya iri karena denger gimana fasil kelompok 13, but they don't know that seharusnya yang iri itu fasil-fasil lain ke aku dan Kak Mano karena dapet kelompok yang bener-bener gak membuat kerjaan sebagai fasil kerasa kaya kerjaan, yang saking ramenya sering bikin Bintang bertanya-tanya kenapa kelompok 13 bisa serame dan sekompak itu, yang bikin orang-orang nanya kok grup nya bisa rame terus, yang bikin Taufiq bilang "anak-anak kelompok lu asik dah", yang bikin aku sendiri sering mikir kenapa bisa hoki banget dapet anak-anak kaya kalian? In short, you guys are such sunshines. 

One last important thing, di diskusi fasil terakhir gua sempet berkata-kata semacam kesan pesan terakhir dan menurut gua rangkaian kata gua sangat kacau balau dikarenakan sakit kepala yang udah gua sebutkan tadi. Jadi pesan gua sebenernya sederhana juga sih, untuk kelompok 13, you guys just don't know how grateful I am to have been a part of such a loving group of people. I have grown close to each and every one of you, I care about you guys very deeply. Jangan pernah ragu untuk pc-pc aku lagi dengan cerita apapun, remember that I will always be willing to listen.

p.s. to the best fasil partner ever, it's super sad for me to think about you leaving soon, I hope you have a wonderful year abroad and will still keep in contact with me. 

words to live by

"bingung dah gua kenapa lu mau-mau aja jadi (...)" me too, sometimes, but here's a reason why i shouldn't be

i think, our biggest problem is, we try too hard on impressing other people

I went through a phase of writing things on my blog with the expectation that people would like what they read. I checked on my views often, even dreamt that perhaps one day I could reach out to millions of people and make a living out of this. I figured something out; people don't care much about other people's views, thoughts, or stuff (unless you're someone, like maybe a celebrity or something). So I did what I thought was the only rational thing to do, I wrote what people would wanna read. I posted the link on any platform I could find, just to at least make my followers read them. It worked, some of my posts had plenty of views. and even so I was really anxious about what people thought of it, "bener gak sih penggunaan katanya" "does this post make me look like a total brag" "kalo pake bahasa inggris dikira nge sok ga ya" and so on.

long story short, just like that, my joy in writing vanished. So I stopped posting.

Entah apa yang terjadi selanjutnya, but I think I was probably having a rough day. Something I've learnt from experience, a rough day makes a good writer. The raw emotion must've been the oil to the engine, and it was a good start to an absolute great ride. I started writing again, this time, with no intention of getting people's attention. If you were to take the words of a clueless 19 year old like myself, then, take this one: writing to express yourself is much joyful than writing to impress other people (whom, by default, are set out to give 0 damns about what you actually think or feel. with few exceptions, of course). My greatest blogging days began the day I stopped caring whether anyone bother reading any of my posts, whether people liked my writings or not, whether people thought of it as quality or as worthless pieces of garbage. The sense of relief I get from expressing myself is be a big enough reason to continue. 

To end this post, here is a quote from Tuesdays with Morrie* showcasing why we shouldn't try too hard on impressing other people, although it doesn't have much to do with "expressing yourself" as this post mostly talk about, it clearly goes together with the idea that there are far greater things out there to focus on rather than trying to please the crowd. So folks, don't let the eyes looking down upon you be the stop sign. Continue to do what you love, rise above it.

*terima kasih untuk orang yang menghadiahi saya buku ini, such a good read.

what on earth is a "me time"?

tugu kujang jaman dahulu kala, dari google hehe.

For a long time I wanted to be an introvert, they impress me. Most introverts I know are very mysterious, but aside from being cool, they seem to be so in touch with themselves. Reality is I gain energy from being with people, hanging out with my friends, sleeping in at someone's place. I accepted the fact that I was no introvert. If anyone's thinking "Cit, it's more of a spectrum than a--" believe me, I know now.

Even so, my admiration for introverts didn't die along the realization that I wasn't a "member". It got to a point where I used to observe those so called introverts' tendencies, most of them socialize well, but it's evident that a lot of times they choose not to. The one thing I couldn't process was how they liked hanging out alone. They go to the movies, shop, or eat out all on their own while I didn't even enjoy going to the canteen by myself. I talked about this with fellow extroverts and they agreed.

29th of April 2017, I decided I wanted to hang out on my own. I thought maybe I would go to the mall, eat something, stroll around, for the sole purpose of knowing what it's like. So how did it go? At first it was awkward, I ate sushi all by myself while a couple seated next to me were holding hands. I felt as though people were staring at me with pity, but I knew in my righteous mind that nobody was thinking that, nobody even noticed. When I finished my plate I left and decided to look around. This was another stupid decision considering how I dislike shopping, I honestly do. All I did was stare at things uninterestedly and left as soon as "silahkan mba ada yang bisa saya bantu.." vibes came near. Probably around 15 minutes of useless strolling I decided to go home with my conclusion that going out alone is not how I roll.

As I was walking outside Botani Square to a good pick up spot, I looked ahead and saw the crowded street. My heart felt lifted a bit and I found myself putting back my phone postponing my initial attempt of ordering gojek. I walked along the street and thought to myself of how much I love this city, with all its memories. I grew up here, met so many good people here, I have sprinkled all the spots here with moments I could gladly pick up on now each and every time I go pass a place. I sat on a bench right in front of Tugu Kujang and I swear I wanted to cry. I wasn't sad, nor was I happy. I just felt emotional for some reason, maybe because I miss my old life. I have been too busy and distracted with worldly things that I had forgotten to keep in touch with myself, I had forgotten to write in my journal, I had forgotten to put down my phone and get spiritual. I have been very tired and I didn't even realize. So I just sat there looking at that magnificent part of this city, cars passing by, the reddish sky, people walking. It felt so good, somehow. I was glad I had no one else by my side.

That moment of just sitting there on the bench, thinking of almost nothing and everything all at once, reflecting my life and all the things I have been neglecting, I felt like I achieved so many things by doing nothing but sit there and stare. I finally understood what a "me time" is.

So, with that experience, I can honestly say I actually like going out alone, as long as it's set in the right place. Malls can be fun with friends, but they tend to wear me out. Sitting on a bench near trees and crowded streets? That's more like it. I will surely do it again when I have the chance.

Speaking of which, that thing about this extravert introvert being a spectrum? I guarantee you this: it is.

A compilation to cringe to

Sejak lama sudah muncul keinginan retrieve archive twitter buat dijadiin kenangan. Yak sesuai dugaan isinya super cringe worthy. Ini beberapa tweets lama yang gua screenshot, setelah sekitar 30 menit liat-liat gua udah gak tahan dan langsung exit (hahaha bahasa twitter bgt kan). P.S. semua yg di post di sini adalah celotehan jaman SMP (jaman SMA gua gak sealay itu kok thx)

ternyata dulu gua sexist 

ya bodo amat anjer.
p.s. dulu gua suka bgt sama urban legends dan cerita horror sampe-sampe gua suka diajak ke kelas-kelas orang buat cerita hantu (pas SMP gua suka lomba storytelling loh sangat menggelikan) gua jg gatau kenapa dulu se aneh itu

ini pas masih SMP kelas 7 ketika ranking 10 terasa menyedihkan, padahal perjalanan selanjutnya ranking gua mendekati akhir-akhir mulu hahahaha selamat ya cit

ya bodo amat sih cit

yang ini paling bikin bergidik, first krn gua pas kls 1 SMP emang hobi berdakwah (gua SD nya dari sekolah swasta Islam guys) tapi yang lebih ironis adalah....

mana katanya jangan berkata kasar!?

dan ini dia tweet paling pertama ku di tahun 2009 sebagai penutup post ini

Sekian kompilasi memalukan ini, wassalamu'alaikum wr. wb.

The Most Important Prayer

I figured it out! At least for myself. Iman itu fluktuatif banget, kan? Do'a yang paling krusial adalah untuk mengharap Allah SWT selalu ingetin kita pas lagi jauh. Ada kalanya iman lagi on its peak dan kita mikir "ya ampun gimana bisa sih gua dulu sejauh itu sama Allah?" terus dalam hitungan hari tiba-tiba kita kembali jahiliyah tanpa rasa bersalah. Segitu ombang-ambing nya, terlalu susah untuk berharap kemauan dekat dengan Dia selalu tinggi, lebih realistis untuk meminta didekatkan ketika jauh. Bismillah teman-teman, semangat!

Birthdays Through The Years

16 tahun, Slot

Ini nge-collage nya jaman masih alay makanya alay gitu. Dateng ke smansa terus diajak ke slot dan akhirnya dapet surprise dari temen-temen (foto pojok kiri atas ada makhluk bernama Iqi yang sempet dikira anak panti), yang jadi "penanggungjawab" tak lain dan tak bukan adalah Nidya. Seneng banget karena kayanya ini first legit surprise yang gua peroleh (pas SMP surprise ultahnya kecil-kecilan gak pernah yang terancang). Pojok kanan atas dapet surprise dadakan dari mama, ayah, dan kakak-kakak. Kue red velvet nya enak banget hehe. Pojok kiri bawah itu brosur-brosur dari LSWK yang isinya ucapan dan foto aib gua. Tengah bawah itu foto puisi yang ayah kirimin (lucu banget kan beliau) dan pojok kanan bawah itu buatan Refia sumpah ngapain gua masukin ya isinya muka jelek gua semua hahahah tapi love you Ref.

Bali, 17 tahun

Ini foto surprise ulang tahun ke 17, surprise paling romantis yang pernah gua peroleh. Hari H timeline penuh muka aib yang meskipun memalukan tapi membuatku senang, siangnya sempet nangis karena suatu tingkah tidak beretika anak Pedang Platinum yang hingga kini masih gua ingat (dan dendam sedikit), tapi kekesalan dan amarah itu terbayar jam 8 malam pas dikasih CD yang sampai sekarang masih gua simpan. Terus pas studi banding; malam pertama di hotel horror yang letaknya di Bali kita berencana mau jalan keluar. Pas masuk kamar Fina dan Athifa malah disambut lilin-lilin dan balon-balon yang ujungnya itu kumpulan foto aib gua, terus dindingnya dipenuhi sama post it yang berisi wishes dari temen-temen seangkatan, terus dikasih bonchon sebagai pengganti kue, dan mereka pada jargon tim sukses birthday acit. Kalo pake twibbon Alzheimer sih, ini memori yang gak bisa gua bayangin kalo sampe ilang dari otak. I love you guys. Terutama makasih Ail dan Fina sebagai main koordinator ultah yang satu ini. Pojok kiri bawah kue super enak dari keluarga. Terus tiba-tiba berhari-hari kemudian dapet surprise susulan di mana sahabat-sahabat pada dateng ke rumah bawain kado dan habis itu kita makan pizza dan spaghetti.

18 tahun, depan Monarchy

Ketika sang penanggungjawab surprise rela bolos sehari buat ngurus ini itu (penanggungjawabnya bukan Fona ya, kebetulan aja gua adanya foto sama dia hehe love you Fon), lalu Shalhan malah keceplosan ke gua. Terus lagi birthday lunch bersama a significant person pas tiba-tiba dia keluar gak balik-balik, gua udah langsung feeling dan akhirnya keluar Monarchy tapi gak ada apa-apa, terus sampe dikasih tau satpam "mba itu kesana dikit" hahahahaha. Memang sih gak surprise jadinya, tapi jujur aja itu justru hal yang nyadarin banget, ketika gua udah expect it to happen ternyata rasa gembira dan kegirangan yang gua rasain tetep tinggi banget. Kirain mobilnya buat gua juga ternyata engga. Gak deng, dapet pizza tunamelt dan burger+fries mcd sudah membuatku amat sangat bahagia, plus dekorasi yang gemes, dan yang pasti keberadaan my beloved bffs.

Yang terbaru, hari h dapet ucapan spesial berupa link video ulang tahun yang ada di youtube (which membuatku so happy thankyou Nadkal sebagai editor dan pengelola xoxo) dan paginya setelah solat subuh tiba-tiba dikasih kue dan bunga sama keluarga (malemnya gua sempet liat ada bunga dalem kulkas tapi sangat gak nyangka itu buat gua karena selama ini kalo ultah gak pernah dikasih bunga sama mereka) terus dua hari kemudian dapet surprise dari sahabat-sahabat FK pas lagi di E5. Untung banget sebelum di surprise gua sempet merapikan penampilan dulu hahaha memang ya feeling itu harus diikuti, terus tiba-tiba pada muncul dan gua kaget banget beneran surprised. Dapet kue super enak dan lucunya mereka print muka orangtua dan kakak-kakak gua (bahkan liliput juga mereka ingat) jadi berasa disurprise sekeluarga. Sangat wajib dibaca bahwa foto yang terlihat agak gossip-able di pojok kanan bawah itu adalah sobat platonic yang sangat baik dan gak enakan; dia nge surprise susulan karena siangnya gak bisa dateng dan dia dimarahin Nadkal akibatnya dia jadi gak enak dan seniat itu dateng ke kost bareng Tatang ngasih surprise kecil-kecilan tapi bikin seneng juga (plus di malam itu dapet kado dari sohibku Muthia Ika Laksmi)  terus bahagia banget ternyata sahabat-sahabat SMA masih pada ngucapin panjang-panjang. Semoga tetap begitu ya untuk ke depannya. Terus Selasa, 28 Feb kemarin sepulang dari praktikum dikasih kado dadakan (barengan sama Fanny yang abis ultah juga) dari HG terbaik sepanjang masa; Dumb and Dumber dikoordinasikan oleh @benacupu.

Itu dia kisah ultahku di mulai dari kelas 10 sampai yang terbaru semester 1 di FKUI. Semuanya spesial dan berkenang bgt, bagian terbaik itu ngebaca wishes dan ucapan dari orang-orang yang gua sayang. I am super grateful to have each one of these memories, I wish to have more great ones ahead. Thank you my dearest friends for being super lovely and always making me feel loved, I owe you guys big. 

Why It Is Essential To Do Things Your Way

Memasuki bulan Januari 2017 kakak saya memulai kebiasaan baru; bullet journaling. If you don't know what a bullet journal looks like, it's pretty much like this

nemu di google

Jadi selama liburan itu gua yang gabut hanya bisa memperhatikan kedua kakak berkutik dengan jurnal nya. Kadang mereka nyontek dari internet, kadang mereka ngarang sendiri. Yang pasti setiap mereka ngejurnal, pensil warna dan spidol udah acak-acakan di lantai. Akhirnya di hari ke 10 bulan Januari gua memutuskan untuk adopsi kebiasaan yang sama.

Hanya bertahan sekitar 2 hari, di hari ketiga pas lagi nongki di coffee shop paling mainstream se dunia (you guessed it), gua udah muak bikin hiasan-hiasan dan creative content macam punya kakak. I hated how my journal looked, especially compared to my sisters', I also hated that it took hours to create just one piece. Akhirnya I decided to quit journaling.

But then on one fine afternoon I started contemplating about things; and I started thinking about my neglected journal. One thinking led to another, terus gua berhasil merumuskan masalah gua; it is not the journaling I hate, it is the way of journaling that I can not comprehend. 

Hal itu sebenernya menyadarkan gua akan berbagai hal, too many times gua meninggalkan sesuatu not because I hate it, but because I did not like how I was taught to do it, atau simply belum menemukan cara yang sesuai dengan diri gua sendiri. For example ketika gua belajar matematika di suatu lembaga yang mengharuskan ngerjain PR nya setiap hari; berakhir dengan "aku benci matematika" when in fact gua cuma gak suka dengan tekanannya aja. Terus ketika gua mengikuti orang lain belajar bersama di NF dan gua pulang dengan ilmu yang gak bertambah banyak, gua berfikir "mau belajar gimana juga gua tetep bolot ya, i hate studying" padahal faktanya when it comes to pelajaran yang itung-itungan, gua emang gak bisa belajar bareng.

And now about the journal thing. Akhirnya setelah menyadari pola kehidupan gua yang berlari dari berbagai hal, kali ini gua gamau quit. Gua mencoba metode jurnal yang lebih cocok; meminimalisir dekorasi (pake printout seadanya atau gambar-gambar kecil di pinggir) and I let random strikes of ideas fill it in tanpa aturan, tapi tetep ada content yang mandatory setiap harinya ttg keseharian gua (yang mungkin membuat jurnal ini jatuhnya lebih mirip ke diari?) Tapi dengan cara ini gua beneran enjoy waktu-waktu ngejurnal, bahkan udah mulai terbiasa ngelakuin setiap sebelum tidur.

Jadi inti dari post ini adalah jangan nyontek cara orang terus stress sendiri ketika kita gak bisa keep up sama gaya mereka. Find your own rhythm dan your own way of working, niscaya hasilnya akan lebih orisinil dan baik (at least for yourself).

Waktunya ngejurnal!

A Piece of Advice from Buffett, and from a senior

When I was much younger, I found a book about Warren Buffett's life in my father's library (mostly filled with books about economy such as the freakonomics and stress test, books I thought I'd stick with and not Sherwood nor Guyton). Biografi Warren Buffett yang gua baca itu dibuatnya dalam bentuk komik, karena ketika itu masih kecil pasti dong pilih yang bergambar-gambar? I don't remember finishing the book but I remember thinking "wow this man is one of a kind". 

I don't think the book I read is any of these books shown above

Lalu tadi pagi pas ngecek hp ada LINE dari official account TIME. "Warren Buffetts 10 Pieces of Advice". Then I came across a piece of advice that hit home. 

"Most behavior is habitual, and they say that the chains of habit are too light to be felt until they are too heavy to be broken"

Kenapa sangat menyentil? Karena for the past few weeks I've noticed how my life consists of laziness and ambition-less no vision path. I realize I have horrible habits such as lack of discipline, low achieving tendencies, prejudice toward others, and other negatives. I really want to change myself. That is why prior to finding this piece of advice I had made a list of small baby steps yang ingin gua implementasikan sehari-hari, hopefully until they are too heavy to be broken. 

Sekarang lagi mencoba menemukan "visi" dan stop menjalani hidup dengan terlalu "liat entar aja". I want to set a goal. I need to set a goal. Kemarin di BEM Meeting, Kak Fadhli Waznan nyebutin suatu quote yang sebenernya bukan pertama kali gua denger;

"Gagal merencanakan = merencanakan untuk gagal" 

Sebelumnya gua mendengar quote ini dari kuliah umum MPKT-B dalam aspek pencegahan terjadinya bencana, tapi saat itu sama sekali gak terpikirkan kalau prinsip tsb juga ada korelasinya dengan kehidupan sehari-hari. Baru kemarin, setelah denger kata-kata itu, gua merefleksikan diri "gimana nasib gue yang gak pernah punya rencana?" 

Jadi plan untuk sekarang adalah mendapatkan visi dan misi pribadi, nemuin cita-cita gua baik for the short term maupun long term, dan train myself for self improvement melalui berbagai metode yang udah gua rangkai, sampai mereka jadi kebiasaan sehari-hari gua. Gua juga berharap bisa sempetin baca-baca buku berbobot tentang self discovery dan lain hal yang bisa memotivasi. Maybe start with finishing that Warren Buffett's biography?

Protagonist?

Turbulent 90% and I still wonder why I change like the weather?